The following interview has been reprinted completely from the brain of the fictional and nonsensical magazine The Lost Sock, which interviewed Amanda Hare for the most recent issue.
Q: Amanda, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us today.
A: It’s no trouble. I always take time out to talk to myself.
Q: How do you manage? You’re a writer, a mom to two young children, a fantastic banana bread maker [Editor’s note: We ate it all! None for you!] and we hear you are quite skilled at the ancient art of spider killing.
A: Well, you see, I make it a point to keep my head firmly attached, so I can always talk to myself whenever needed.
Q: That’s fantastic advice! We’ll have to remember that.
A: (nods sagely) As for the spider killing… well, it’s just a gift.
Q: What’s your favourite weapon?
A: Some people say a rolled up magazine is best, but I find that only works well in the Fly competitions. For spiders, nothing beats a sneaker. It has many different surface shapes in case you want to smash flat or roll along the edge. Your hand is encased so it’s completely protected. It works for all different sizes of spider too.
Q: And of course it’s a good weight for throwing.
A: Yes, surely!
Q: Baba.
A: What?
Q: I’m Baba Ghanoush*. Not Shirley.
A: Ooooookaaaaayyy. (quizzical look)
Q: Well, moving on… Is it true you have a secret love affair with root vegetable crisps?
A: Yes, especially the beetroot crisps… which apparently isn’t so secret. (glaring look) How did you find out?
Q: Well, a person’s trash will tell you quite a bit… we see you also have a fancy for white chocolate and toffees.
A: Egats! I’m exposed!
Q: No, you’re quite decently covered actually.
A: (another quizzical look) What?
Q: I don’t understand why you are looking at me so baffled.
A: I’m not sure we’re on the same wavelength.
Q: Oh, we are. Or else we wouldn’t be able to see each other. YOu see it has to do with –
[Editorial note: Please feel free to play some lovely music for yourself which the questioner waxes on about science]
A: Well, that was fascinating, and I love quarks, but this isn’t the place to discuss them.
Q: Right. Right. Hmmm, so, tell me more about yourself.
A: You mean, more than you’ve already discovered by going through my trash?
Q: Yes, well, ahem, we like to be thorough in our research. What do you like to do in your spare time?
A: Well, I’m a voracious reader, fiction, non-fiction. I love books of almost all genres. I also like to bake cookies and banana bread.
Q: Oh, really! Is it possible that perhaps you brought some for us to sample? You know, for the reader’s sake, we’d like to give them a description.
A: Well, yes, actually, I did bring some. But some little squirrely guy took it, and I don’t know what happened to it after that.
Q: Hmmm, maybe Chick Pea? Short, balding, beady eyes?
A: No, no, I think it was more actually a squirrel. Long tail, fur, whiskers… He was wearing a flight suit, though… Where exactly did you say you are from?
Q: We’re from nowhere of consequence.
A: I mean, your building is awfully funny shaped, almost like a rocket…
Q: Oh, no, no, NO! This isn’t a spaceship! No! NO! It’s just a very interesting architectural shape. Like that building in downtown London that looks like a big bullet.
A: Yeah, I know that one. Very interesting. But your main door opens like a cargo hold, and you’ve got these control panels beside all of the doors… Just like you see in movies about spaceships.
Q: Well, we are a bit quirky here on the – uh, uh…
A: On the what exactly? (narrowing her eyes)
Q: Oh, uh, yeah, hey, did you see that movie about the aliens that take over that planet and they send in the marines, and all they find is the little girl who survived?
A: Yeah, that’s Aliens. I love that movie. Great series. Except for the third one. It had potential, but just didn’t get there. What did you think about Alien: Covenant?
Q: Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more about the third one. And we thoroughly enjoyed Covenant. [Editor’s note: Phew! It’s a good thing she’s so easily distracted, or she would have discovered the truth about our little interstellar journey. We’re not supposed to let anyone know about that – but, we just couldn’t resist interviewing her because we just love her books!]
A: Yeah, and I loved Noomi Rapace in Prometheus! Sigourney Weaver is a tough act to follow, but they managed with both leading ladies, I think.
Q: Yes, we completely agree. So, you enjoy the cinema?
A: Yes, I love movies. I haven’t had cable TV since I was 19 – well, except for one year I got it free and three years I lived in Japan, which definitely don’t count as it was all in Japanese, and Japanese television is just weird anyway. So, yeah, I love movies.
Q: Do you find movies give you inspiration for your writing?
A: Ah, well, I certainly get some inspiration there. But I have to say I get inspiration from everywhere. Just the other day I got an idea while I was coming back home from the store and watching the cars driving down the street. You never know where inspiration will strike, so you better have pen and paper handy!
Q: Is that how your preferred method to record your ideas?
A: Sometimes, but I take notes in my phone too. I’ve got so many ideas written down for future books that – Thank God! – I’ll be writing for the next several years non-stop. You know, I read that Richard Branson once wrote an idea down in his passport because he didn’t have anything else available! Now that’s dedication.
Q: Well, Mrs. Hare, it’s been an immense pleasure to meeting you. We really must be going as our solar window will be opening soon, and we really don’t want to miss it. Thank you for coming!
A: Oh, okay. It was a pleasure to meet you, too. Can I get a copy of the magazine for my archive?
Q: Uh, um, we will certainly work on getting you a copy. You better leave now. I’m sure your family would appreciate you being home for dinner today, and not next year.
A: Huh? Hey, you don’t need to push me towards the door. I can get there myself.
Q: Oh, yes, there you go. Down the ramp. Quick! Quick! Avoid the raindrops! You really do get a lot of rain in the north of England, don’t you? … Ah, good. There you are, safe on the ground. Let’s close up the doors, and we’re set to take off. Chick pea, she’s clear. Zap her memory and turn on the invisibility shield. And you better not have eaten all that banana bread! Captain Baba Ghanoush approving take off whenever the ship is ready. Goodbye, small, blue planet! Oh, you speck in our skies.
*Nod out to the Cheeseburger Deathstar Radio Network. Wherever you guys are and your creation of Bob Ghanoush and all his sidekicks. Good times on a Friday night!